Coming Soon: FARSICKNESS

The name of my project is Farsickness. The word comes from the German Fernweh, meaning a longing for a place you’ve never been.

I became fascinated with Americana culture from a young age.. Growing up, my dad showed me books by Wim Wenders; we watched Paris, Texas on repeat, and the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack played constantly in our house. Wanting to connect with my father, and as a young trans kid looking up to the image of the all-American man in Wranglers and cowboy hats, I fell in love with a place that only existed in my imagination, a place where I could picture myself as those men, while I was still a young girl back in Sydney, Australia.

At 34, halfway through my transition, I finally went searching for the places I remembered in my mind. I took my camera and drove solo from Canada to California, chasing those old feelings and imagined landscapes. I had autonomy now, freedom to move through the world on my own terms.

As I drove down the I-5, the landscapes didn’t always match the ones in my head. The roads felt lonelier, more worn down. Diners welcomed me in and called me “sir” from across the room, but I never stayed long enough for anyone to see me up close.

I often shot from the car; it’s where I felt safest in the small towns I passed through. It felt like I was watching a new movie this time, unfolding through the windshield. The scenes were warped and dystopian, and I soon realized the feeling of nostalgia I came for was unattainable. It is one thing to grieve a memory of America you have never experienced, but it is another to have your own identity wrapped up in the unattainable place.